It’s been almost two years since my last post. So many things have happened… just too many. Sometimes I just wish that I could fool myself into filtering all these mem’ries in my head. I just want to live in that make-believe dream I had with Yumi…
How can something that seemed so beautiful go utterly wrong?
It feels like my life was always been a cosmic joke, a skit, a ditty, a satire of sorts that was particularly contorted for the amusement of all those around me. Like I’m just a supporting role in a movie about my life, where I revolve around everything else and not the other way around. So pathetic… such a lowly form of existence. Sick.
All I could do about it is find comfort from these pills…
It’ll be over soon… just a little more. I never thought over-dosing on happy pills could take so long. Maybe I should’ve bought stronger ones. Or maybe this is that part in the movies where someone could come rushing to my rescue just before I die from this. I hope it’s that way. It so damn sad to think that I’ll just be a passer-by in this life. Like a Non-Player Character in those role-playing video games. Someone not memorable at all. Just a speck of dust along the shoreline at Long Beach.
I still remember those endearing moments with Yumi last February before everything got flushed down the drain. We went to Japan for the Sakura Festival. Everything was beautiful. I can still vividly remember how the wind would blow through her hair with all the loose pink petals would zip through behind her.
I remember the little farm house that we rented at Shirakawago. The way we made love out in the jacuzzi surrounded by snow, and how we cuddled up by the fireplace each night. Just skin on skin, over and under a sea of fur blankets. I loved her so much. I would do anything to go back to that time. I’d give up everything to have that back again.
Maybe we shouldn’t have left. Maybe we could’ve just gotten married there. I hate this corporate rat-race anyway. How I dread being just another number under someone’s payroll. I could have just started a small IT firm down there. I would’ve still been living in that blissful dream. She would’ve still been with me. Yumi… I love you. I love you so much with all my heart. With all my life.
But this life is now worthless. My heart is beyond repair. I regress into being a mere mammal, not even that, I’m just a tool… a f**king robot for the money-driven corporate world. Another beautiful mind plundered for what it’s worth. I exist to merely generate revenue, to produce results. Just somebody’s investment. Another quantifiable exponent in the system.
Being with her was the only thing that made me feel alive. Human. Just those moments I’ve spent with her, and maybe those binging nights with Jessica and Joe.
I wonder how they are…
I haven’t spoken to them since the incident. I was just to spaced out. I guess it was my bad that I punched Joe in the face when he called Yumi a whore. But I think he’s right. I guess he was so angry with her because he really valued me as a friend. He never talked to me after that… I wish I could say sorry to him.
Joe, if ever that you’d chance upon this post in my blog after I’m dead, I just want you to know that I’m sorry for that man. I really am. And I want to thank you for all the times you stood by my side, all those times you bailed me out of those pathetic and depressing nights. Specially that night when I passed out in that bar and you scraped me off the floor and carried my half-dead carcass back in to my apartment. You’re the best dude. I’m so sorry that even though I promised you that I’ll be strong, I’m here trying to kill myself again. But I’m optimistic that this time around it won’t be a debacle. Thank you so much dude. You’re the closest thing to having a big brother. I love you man.
You see, Joe was there to see everything. He already warned me how Yumi was just the perfect person who would shatter me into a gazzilion pieces. But I was too stubborn to take caution, to determined to chase a unrealizable dream. And even though it was against his insticts, he was there to support me all the way. Even that time when I was the only one who was totally oblivious to the fact that she was fooling around with the boss. Those ‘late night meetings’, those horrendous moments of transgressions. Joe would be there to cheer me up saying everything would be alright. That this could just be a phase. That my life ain’t worth ending over such bullsh*t.
I remember how he stayed with me ’till five in the morning at the bar after Yumi suddenly decided to run off and get married with our company’s CEO just three months after our Japan trip.
As Joe would say to everyone else… “What a typical gold-digging-c**k-sucking Japanese whore.”
Oh god, I miss how Jessica would shower me with attention and loving me during moments of self-pity. I knew from the start that she really had something special for me.
Yes Jess, I know. And I also know that you’re always reading my blog. And I’m amazed that you still haven’t hacked into this just to read through my drafts.
And I want to tell you how much I really appreciate your affection. I’m sorry it didn’t work out between us. I would just be lying to you and to myself if I allowed ‘us’ to happen. Because you knew from the start that it’s not that there’s something wrong with you. You are perfect. It’s just that it has always been Yumi and it will always be her. Actually to be honest with both of you and Joe, if I had the choice (and I know that both of you would hate me for saying this), I would go though all the pain again just so I could be with her. I’m a fool for her. I will always be.
I’ll never know her reasons why. Or maybe I already do, I’m just not ready to accept the fact that she’s really like that. But whatever it is, I know that I will always still love her no matter what. And I will always stay a fool for her, and accept her for all that she is. And I will always dream of our unborn babies… I’ll always be caught up in that ‘Sakura’ moment with her.
And these pills are my way out from this madness.
I’ve tried… we’ve tried everything else… we’ve already exhausted all other means of fixing me.
It will end soon. You guys wouldn’t have to put up with all my bullsh*t anymore.
I’m sorry, I wish everything could’ve been better… Adieu.
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